Why Not?

Why not some Osama Bin Laden jokes?

- Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give each of you one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (a former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out -- virtually impenetrable."

Uncle Sam says, "Fill it with water."


- On a scale of 1 to Osama, how good am I at hide and seek?

- Osama Bin Laden, world Hide and Seek Champion 2001-2011.

- Elton John is doing a tribute song. Its called "Sandals in the Bin"

- It's really has been a Disney kind of weekend: a prince got married and the bad guy died.

- Q. What would Osama Bin Laden be doing today if he were alive?
A. Drowning.

- So, Osama was buried at sea, have they learned nothing from what happened with Megatron?

- No matter how collected Obama is during his speech, he's hearing LL Cool J's "Mama Said Knock You Out" blasting in his head.

- One thing we'll always remember about this weekend is Fast 5 opening #1 at the box office. A historic time, indeed.

- "Just wait...juuuuuuuust wait till tomorrow you ass-clowns..." -Barack Obama, to himself at White House Correspondents' Dinner

Slow Day, So Here's A Joke

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what she does with the money.

The first does a total make-over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he married the one with the largest breasts.

Some Things You Just Can't Explain

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk.
A man came in and asked the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting
here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?" The farmer shook
his head and replied, "Some things you just can't explain."

"So what happened that's so horrible?" the man asked as he sat
down next to the farmer.

"Well," the farmer said, "today I was sitting by my cow, milking
her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and
kicked over the bucket."

"Okay," said the man, "but that's not so bad." "Some things you
just can't explain," the farmer replied. "So what happened then?"
the man asked. The farmer said, "I took her left leg and tied it
to the post on the left."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got
the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket."
The man laughed and said, "Again?" The farmer replied, "Some things
you just can't explain." "So, what did you do then?" the man asked.

"I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right."

"And then?"

"Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got
the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail."
"Hmmm," the man said and nodded his head. "Some things you just can't
explain," the farmer said.

"So, what did you do?" the man asked.

"Well," the farmer said, "I didn't have anymore rope, so I took
off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my
pants fell down and my wife walked in ... Some things you just
can't explain."

The Single Funniest Poop Story Ever

Deadspin had a great post, which was just crazy poop stories. It is a great idea, because everyone has one. Anyways, I couldn't help but put this one up...

"My kid was about 1 or 1 1/2 when he started going through a poop phase. He was obsessed with poop. He would insist on looking at a shitty diaper after he destroyed it, with a "yeah that's right, say my name, bitch!" look on his face. He would talk about it all the time in public ("Daddy I have a HUGE LOAD in my pants"). He would barge into the bathroom when I was dropping anchor and insist on taking a look at my craftwork. He even went through a period where he would stick his finger in his ass and then put it in his mouth and say "it's yummy" (by the way this was super fucked up and scarred me for life).

So one day, just after breakfast, he drops a load and my wife goes to change him. She lays him back on the changing table, takes his shitty diaper off, wraps it up, and turns to put it in the diaper genie. She looks away and then turns back, leaning over him to coo or sing or make goo goo noises or whatever chicks do. What she did not realize was that the little fecophile had stuck his hand down into his ass while she was looking away and now had what could best be described as a shit mitten. So she is singing away and he reaches up and fish hooks her with the shit mitten. Just jams his hand in her mouth and yanks down on her jaw, scraping poo off his hand with her teeth (ever eat an artichoke?). It took a second or two for her to realize he had shit all over his hands...and that she, therefore, now had a mouthful of baby shit. She gagged and was so disgusted that she promptly VOMITED ON THE BABY and started crying hysterically, which of course made the baby start crying. I heard the commotion and by the time I walked in, they were both screaming and crying, covered in regurgitated Special K and poo. My wife ran over to the bathroom and I actually saw her SPIT POO in the sink (definitely NOT a turn on). Meanwhile, the baby quickly went from crying to laughing, looks up at me innocently and says "Daddy, I'm POOOPY!" Roger that."

When I read that I literally was laughing so hard my entire floor that I worked on stopped. Worth it.

Anyways, if you want to read more of these stories CLICK HERE


Oh and feel free to share your own in the comment section.

A Tickle Me Elmo Joke

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys.
The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms.

Well, Jessica is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.

The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.
The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands Jessica surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo's.
She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package between Elmo's legs.
The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches Jessica .

‘I'm sorry,’ he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, ‘but I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday...’

‘Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles.’

A Joke

Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner. When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife.

No sooner had the husband fallen asleep when the wife taped Charlie on the shoulder and motioned for him to come over to her.

"I couldn't do that," he whispered. "Your husband is my best friend!"

"Listen, sugar," she whispered back, "there ain't nothing in the whole wide world could wake hime up now."

"I can't believe that," Charlie said. "Certainly if I get on top of you and screw you, he'll wake up won't he?

"Sugar, he certainly won't. If you don't believe me, pluck a hair out of his asshole and see if that wakes him."

Charlie did just that. He was amazed when the husband remained asleep. So he climbed over to the wife's side of the bed and fucked her. When he finished, he climbed back to his own side. It wasn't long before she tapped him on the shoulder and beckoned him over again. Again he pulled a hair to determine if his old friend was asleep. This went on eight times during the night. Each time Charlie screwed the woman, he first pulled out one of the husband's asshole hairs.

The ninth time he pulled a hair, the husband awoke and muttered: "Listen, Charlie, old pal, I don't mind you fucking my wife, but for Pete's sake, stop using my ass for a scoreboard!"

A Bus Stop Joke

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini Skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket.

As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line Picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus.

Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero, Screeching at him, "How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!"

At this the Texan drawled "Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends."

Slow Day, So Here's A Joke

Larry gets home late one night and his wife, Linda, says, ‘Where in the hell have you been?’

Larry replies, ‘I was out getting a tattoo.’

'A tattoo?’ she frowned. ‘What kind of tattoo did you get?’

‘I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,’ he said proudly.

‘What the hell were you thinking?’ she said, shaking her head in disdain. ‘Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?’

‘Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want!’

Old Man Joke

An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.

When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Early Dismissal

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the
children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would
keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

The Greatest Christmas Decoration Ever

Email I got at work...

"Good news is that I truly out did myself this year with my Christmas decorations. The bad news is that I had to take him down after 2 days. I had more people come screaming up to my house than ever. Great stories. But two things made me take it down.

First, the cops advised me that it would cause traffic accidents as they almost wrecked when they drove by.

Second, a 55 year old lady grabbed the 75 pound ladder almost killed herself putting it against my house and didn't realize it was fake until she climbed to the top (she was not happy). By the way, she was one of many people who attempted to do that. My yard couldn't take it either. I have more than a few tire tracks where people literally drove up my yard."

Thanks to Hoban for this.

Joke

One Sunday morning George bursts into the living room and said, 'Dad, Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan".

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk to you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

George was brokenhearted. After 8 months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. " Diane is your half-sister too, George. I'm awfully sorry about this."

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married. Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister.

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. he is not really your father."

More Tiger Woods Jokes

Well we have ripped Tiger all day, best to keep it going....

- Tiger Woods is so rich that he owns lots of expensive cars. Now he has a hole in one.

- What's the difference between a car and a golf ball? Tiger can drive a ball 400 yards.

- Tiger Woods wasn't seriously injured in the crash, but he's still below par.

- What were Tiger Woods and his wife doing out at 2.30 in the morning? They went clubbing

- Tiger Woods crashed into a fire hydrant and a tree. He couldn't decide between a wood and an iron.

- Ping just offered Elin Woods an endorsement contract pushing her own set of drivers. They are said to be named Elin Woods..."clubs you can beat Tiger with."

- Tiger just changed his nickname but still kept it in the cat family--his new name?: Cheetah

- Since Tiger drives an Escalade, can he blame the accident on his caddy?

- Hello Mister Woods this is the On Star operator we have detected that an angry person has put a golf club through your window, we are contacting Nike for a replacement club.

-Heck who amongst us doesn't hear a car crash and immediately grab the closest golf club we can find??!!!

A Good Joke To Make Me Forget About The Patriots

A Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted men's barracks.

He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, "What's the camel for?"

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from anywhere, and the man have natural sexual urges, so when they do, we have the camel".

The Captain said, "Well if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months, the Captain could not stand it anymore, so he told his Sergeant, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!"

The Sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the Captain's quarters. The Captain got a foot stool and proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel.

As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sergeant, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sergeant replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town".

Mondays Suck: Here Is A Joke

There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure devise. She got extremely upset.

"You impotent bastard!!" she screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me for all these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks at her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy if you explain the kids."

A Question To Ponder...

Why is it when your wife gets pregnant all her friends rub her belly and say "congratulations".

Yet nobody rubs your pecker and says "Good Job"?

A Joke

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!!!!"

A smart-ass kid in the back of the class raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well I guess you'd have to take the test with your other hand".

A Good AIDS Joke

A doctor goes to his office one Monday and is shocked to find that it has been ransacked and the files have been all mixed up. He sees the file for Mrs. Smith, but her chart is mixed up with some of the others and he can't tell which is which.

He finally narrows it down to two charts and he decides to call her house. Mr. Smith answers the phone.

"Mr. Smith, this is Dr. Jenkins. I have bad news. Your wife either has AIDS or Alzheimer's disease, I don't know which."

"Well, what should I do?" asks a distraught Mr. Smith

"Drop her off at the edge of town", says the doctor, "and if she finds her way back, DON'T FUCK HER!"

A Joke To Start The Week

The 10th grade teacher asks Jessica: "What part of the human body increases to 10 times it's normal size when excited?"

Jessica Responds: "That's disgusting! I Don't have to answer that question!"

So the teacher asks Johnny, who responds: "That's easy..the pupil of the eye"

"That's correct, Johnny. Very Good" And turning to Jessica she says: "I've got 3 things to say to you, young lady...first, you didn't do your homework; second you have a dirty mind; and third, you're in for a big disappointment!"

A Good Killing Your Wife Joke

A man goes hunting with a bunch of his friends on his land. They have been hunting a while and his best friend says...

"Hey I can see in your bedroom with my scope". He says " who's that man in the bedroom with your wife?"

The husband says "what? r u joking?"

The friend replies,"no honestly. I can see them!!"

The husband says "Fine shoot her in the head and him in the private!!

The friend replies "I CAN GET THAT IN ONE SHOT!!!!!!!!"