The Single Funniest Poop Story Ever

Deadspin had a great post, which was just crazy poop stories. It is a great idea, because everyone has one. Anyways, I couldn't help but put this one up...

"My kid was about 1 or 1 1/2 when he started going through a poop phase. He was obsessed with poop. He would insist on looking at a shitty diaper after he destroyed it, with a "yeah that's right, say my name, bitch!" look on his face. He would talk about it all the time in public ("Daddy I have a HUGE LOAD in my pants"). He would barge into the bathroom when I was dropping anchor and insist on taking a look at my craftwork. He even went through a period where he would stick his finger in his ass and then put it in his mouth and say "it's yummy" (by the way this was super fucked up and scarred me for life).

So one day, just after breakfast, he drops a load and my wife goes to change him. She lays him back on the changing table, takes his shitty diaper off, wraps it up, and turns to put it in the diaper genie. She looks away and then turns back, leaning over him to coo or sing or make goo goo noises or whatever chicks do. What she did not realize was that the little fecophile had stuck his hand down into his ass while she was looking away and now had what could best be described as a shit mitten. So she is singing away and he reaches up and fish hooks her with the shit mitten. Just jams his hand in her mouth and yanks down on her jaw, scraping poo off his hand with her teeth (ever eat an artichoke?). It took a second or two for her to realize he had shit all over his hands...and that she, therefore, now had a mouthful of baby shit. She gagged and was so disgusted that she promptly VOMITED ON THE BABY and started crying hysterically, which of course made the baby start crying. I heard the commotion and by the time I walked in, they were both screaming and crying, covered in regurgitated Special K and poo. My wife ran over to the bathroom and I actually saw her SPIT POO in the sink (definitely NOT a turn on). Meanwhile, the baby quickly went from crying to laughing, looks up at me innocently and says "Daddy, I'm POOOPY!" Roger that."

When I read that I literally was laughing so hard my entire floor that I worked on stopped. Worth it.

Anyways, if you want to read more of these stories CLICK HERE


Oh and feel free to share your own in the comment section.

Tiger Woods Mistresses Reenactment Part 2

Tiger Woods Mistresses Reenactment Part 2 - Watch more Funny Videos

Man Eats 200 Cigarettes To Quit Smoking

"Some people choose the patch. Others the gum. Not Richie Magic. To kick his 40-year smoking habit, he put out 200 lit cigarettes on his tongue and then chewed them to ensure they were fully extinguished. In just 6 minutes and 3.7 seconds, Magic, 53, set a world record for "orally extinguishing, chewing and expelling" one carton of cigarettes, Dr. David Adamovich, president of the Record Holders Republic, told the New York Daily News.

"I got pretty bad blisters," says the Scarsdale, N.Y. native. "After I finished I definitely felt dizzy... I was gagging. It was horrible, but I didn't want to leave to go to the hospital."

World record rules only permitted Magic to extinguish five cigarettes on his tongue at a time. However, there was no limit to how many he could have inside his mouth. Since he had to chew the cigarettes to make sure they were fully extinguished, at one point he had 40 or 50 in his mouth (AOL)."

This is just fucking gross, but I have seen people try to stop smoking and it seems like it sucks, so if it works all the power to him. I couldn't imagine even trying to do this. The only time I smoke cigarettes is when I am really drunk, and even then when I wake up I can feel it. This guy just fucking ate 200 cigarettes, and all I can think about is how awful that shit is going to be....

Why Not?

Don't Feed Your Kids Poop

"A woman in Texas has been accused of repeatedly smearing human waste on her 3-year-old daughter's intravenous feeding line, potentially causing life-threatening infections. Emily Beth McDonald, 23, of Austin, was charged with felony injury to a child. She faces up to life in prison if convicted. According to an arrest affidavit, a surveillance video at Dell Children's Medical Center captured McDonald on Sunday placing feces from a soiled diaper on the cap of a tube with a direct link to her child's bloodstream. According to the affidavit, police interviewed McDonald, who allegedly confessed and said she knew that her actions could make the child severely ill and possibly even kill her. No motive was disclosed (FoxNews)."

What the fuck is wrong with people? I really can't believe this didn't kill the kid right away. Anyways, I don't have a lot to say about this other then it is really fucked up, and this would only happen in Texas...

Public Service Announcement

A Good Poop Joke

Burford is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad. The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves. Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says,

"Dear Mr. Burford... All is forgiven. Just tell us...where it is?"

Hot Date

This was posted on Craig's List...

We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.

I thought we had chemistry sitting at McMenamins sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Terminator Stout. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don’t feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said “First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me” was meant to be funny, not offensive.

I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle’s lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don’t think anyone wins 100% of the time. That’s why they call it “gambling”. I’m the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better…like when you’re not sitting on a heated leather seat…

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.

I await your call,
Tad

P.S. - If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early…Touché…

* Location: NE Portland
* it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

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