Angry At NASCAR

First off, I love NASCAR. It’s my kind of race. And yes, those are lyrics to a country song. But I wish there were people who loved NASCAR but were still critical of it.

NASCAR has grown from a regional sport into a national one before our eyes. Daytona 500 winner Ryan Newman isn’t from North Carolina, he’s from South Bend, Indiana. Runner up Kurt Busch is from Las Vegas. Tony Stewart is another Indiana boy. Kasey Kahne is from Washington state. Robby Gordon is from California. Juan Pablo Montoya is from Columbia. Dario Franchitti is Scottish and bangs Ashley Judd.
But overwhelming hickishness remains, and it pisses me off.

The announcing is the worst part of watching a NASCAR race. The Kentucky windage of Darrel Waltrip and his occasional redneck euphemisms are tolerable and occasionally charming. But the nasal Alabama yelping of Larry McReynolds would make a dog howl. Sunday’s 500 saw a bit of dialogue worthy of a Mark Twain novel, as Waltrip and McReynolds playfully argued about the best way to describe a driver going slightly sideways and regaining control.

DW: That was a whoop whoop
Larry Mac: No, it was a hospital hop
DW: Yeah, maybe
Larry Mac: A little dee dye doh

I wanted to dress up in a blue Civil War uniform, get a musket, and march on Richmond when I heard that.

And the places NASCAR still runs its races makes me shudder. Martinsville, Virginia? Darlington, South Carolina? Even races run in the north are in the sticks. Long Pond, Pennsylvania; Watkins Glen, NY; Loudon, New Hampshire. How come the low-level market
of Dover, Delaware gets two races run within the city limits, but NASCAR fans in New York, Boston, and Philadelphia have to travel hundreds of miles, then stay in shitty bed and breakfasts, in order to see a race?

I’m not against people from the South (except on Election Day), but just because the sport had its roots in Dixie doesn’t mean it has to stay there. Can’t we get announcers that have neutral accents and announcer’s voices? Can’t we get northern tracks that aren’t in the middle of nowhere? Do we need to have a prayer (always from a Methodist or Presbyterian a.k.a. Southern Protestant, NEVER a Catholic priest) before the national anthem? Do we need Southern sayings and stories rammed down our throats?

Nevertheless, it was a hell of a race, and there is no form of racing better than NASCAR on this continent. And unlike year’s past, the race after Daytona won’t be in Rockingham, NC; it’ll be in Southern California.
Captain