Fishy Commercials

I hate Lent. I’m not a practicing Catholic, but I hate Lent for one reason: fish. Every February, the popularity of fish swells as Catholics devour the flaky meat every Friday. This spawns an increase in fishy commercials. McDonald’s hardly ever advertises their fish filet in other months. Wendy’s just came out with a new fish sandwich. The Gorton’s Fisherman is working overtime selling his sticks. How ridiculous is it that in some ad agency some guy had to say “The Catholics eat fish during Lent, so let’s come out with the new fish sandwich in February.” What’s next? Appetite reducing pills marketed toward Muslims during Ramadan?

I saw all these fish commercials during the Bruins 5-4 victory over Florida. Why the fuck does Florida have an NHL team? Why does it have two? Why are there more teams in Florida than there are teams in the province of Quebec? How come Anaheim has a team, but Milwaukee doesn’t? And who the hell came up with the bright idea of giving Nashville a team? Do you know how often I forget that the Predators even exist? Why does The South (former CSA states) have the same number of NHL teams as Canada?

And the names of these teams all suck. The Predators? What’s their minor league team called? The Child Predators? The Panthers? The Lightning? The Thrashers? The only interesting team name in the South is the Dallas Stars, and that’s because they used to be the Minnesota North Stars.

There are some stupid team names all over the place. Harvard Crimson? What is a Crimson? Do you go to a party and say “I’m a Crimson” hoping to get laid? How about Dartmouth Big Green, or Cornell Big Red? These are Ivy League schools, and the best names these smart people could come up with were picked out of a Crayola box.

And it isn’t just D-IAA college teams. How about The Stanford Cardinal? The Denver Nuggets mind as well call themselves the Denver Turds. The New Jersey Nets? They’re named after a piece of the court! If the Houston Texans moved to LA, would they be the LA Californians? Naming your team after a natural disaster (Carolina Hurricanes, Iowa State Cyclones) is somewhat bizarre, but it’s downright retarded to do it where the disaster will never occur. But I guess the University of Tulsa Hurricanes just couldn’t resist.

And why does every team need a nickname? There’s not enough good names to go around. How many teams named Wildcats, Hawks, or Eagles are there in this country? You know what the name of my Little League team was? Denver. And we lost to Raleigh in the town finals. WE didn’t need no fucking nickname.

And can we stop with all the St. Patrick’s Day uniforms and hats? I’m Irish, but enough is enough. The Sox used to wear green caps in Spring Training on March 17th, now they were those red and green Christmas looking things. And other teams are getting in on the action of selling some green tinted merchandise. Someday, basketball and hockey teams will start selling Yarmulkes with their team colors on them. Mark my words.